Anonymous wrote:

I recently ended my relationship with my ex-husband. I had felt strongly to do so for some time. Unfortunately, I have moved on to yet another relationship that does not uphold my Christian values. I know I need to move from this relationship, but my question is, How do I guard myself from attaching to someone because of fear of being alone? I know to trust God. That’s why I took that leap to leave my ex.But I then convinced myself that God must have sent the other individual. I am quickly learning that is not the case. What do I do?

Dear Anonymous,

It sounds as if there are many factors that I would need to know in order to make a fully informed suggestion.  But based upon the facts you’ve provided, I will give it my best shot.  My first observation is that it sounds like you already know what you need to do!  The Bible is very clear about being unequally yoked, whether married or dating (2 Cor. 6:14).  If you are married to him, then you must choose a different course of action to honor your vow.  But if you are simply dating him, maybe you just need someone to encourage you to end the relationship.  But if that’s not enough to move you in the right direction, then here are some more specific suggestions.

If there are major problems cropping up because he is an unbeliever, then as time goes on those problems will not get any better.  In fact, you can count on them to get worse–not just stay the same. I’m assuming you are not married to him, since you have referred to him as this “individual” rather than as your spouse.  If that is the case, then you can pull away from the relationship, although it sounds as if you have difficulty doing that once you’re emotionally involved.  If you cannot take the steps necessary to pull away, then I would suggest getting into a support group of some kind, or maybe even seeking a Christian counselor or Christian accountability partner to walk through the issues with you. The very fact that you recognize that you have a problem attaching to men in a premature or unhealthy way indicates that you need to seek additional support and perspective.

I would also say that those issues probably stem from two main areas: unresolved issues from your relationship with your ex-husband and unmet needs that probably began in your childhood.  You will need to “process through them” or even “grieve them” in order to adjust that inner drive to attach in unhealthy ways.  Working on that can take months and even years, so I would suggest getting down to work as soon as possible!  In addition to the emotional/psychological end of things, I would reinforce your spiritual support as well.  If you are not actively involved in your church and a Bible study, then now would be the time to commit to all of the above.  Hope this helps!

If anyone has other questions, please click on the comment box attached to this post and I will reply when I can.

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